My partner and I are both in biglaw (being deliberately vague so not too outing), both senior associates around 6-7 years. We have one small child and another on the way. Wr are in a very high COL area.
We have managed so far with a nanny during the week, but things are still very difficult. Our firms still necessitate a lot of weekend work when we don’t have childcare (and realistically can’t / don’t want to spend more on it - we already spend a fortune and want to see our kid!). I now dread each weekend as we spend so much of it arguing over who does the childcare vs who needs to work more and how many hours and who gets to do any social activity with friends and so on.. it’s so draining and depressing. I have no life anymore because any spare time I get on the weekend, when my partner agrees to solo parent, has to be spent working to keep up with my job. It becomes a massive negotiation to justify anything that isn’t work, even fitting in a haircut, let alone seeing friends or doing hobbies. This is not how I want to spend my weekend - I want to spend it with my kid and family and sometimes doing stuff I enjoy!
I thought sticking it out in big law would be worth it if one of us could make partner, which for a while seemed a pretty reasonable outcome, we both got great reviews and our teams were regularly making people up. But both our types of work (more niche teams than standard m&a) have gone in a sudden downturn the past 2 years and we both seem to face political issues within shrinking teams. My team has basically said that while I’m in the partner pool, any promotion only depends on the team winning more work and various people 3-5 years above me (who are also trying to make partner) leaving. The minimum timeline they’ve given me is 6 more years (realistically longer), but with no guarantee of anything. So I’m facing years more of this with no obvious reward, but equally with two kids, still much better pay than anything else I can find.
I don’t really know what to do anymore. My partner is constantly moody because he doesn’t think he can get to partnership either anymore (similar issues in his team) and is constantly talking about having to take a 50pc pay cut to go to a small firm and try to make it there. I’ve thought about that, or in house and tried going on a secondment, but ended up working even worse hours than big law which really put me off. And at the same time we’re both getting beasted and arguing constantly. We also argue because if one of us does take a big pay cut, it’ll put much more pressure on the other to stay in their job. I’m also worried that he’d take a big pay cut for a smaller firm and then work just as hard with again no guaranteed outcome.. I don’t know how we’d cope then.
Honestly WWYD? Do all parents who are senior associates and not obviously getting to partner go through this? Is there some solution I’m missing here that doesn’t have a massive dent in our income or general career ambitions or happiness? I think we’ve both lost the woods from the trees now and honestly don’t know what to do anymore.