I’m a rising second-year associate, and I honestly feel like this past year has beaten the life out of me.
I was specifically recruited to this firm by a partner I had an existing relationship with. I came in excited, eager to learn, and ready to work hard. A year later, I feel like a shell of myself.
I recently received one of my year-end evaluations, and while I technically received a satisfactory rating, it was the lowest satisfactory rating available. The feedback focused on following instructions, attention to detail, exercising independent judgment, and knowing when to ask questions.
I know I’ve made mistakes. I’m not pretending otherwise. But I’ve worked my ass off this year, and I feel like nothing I do is ever enough. I literally helped bring in a major, household-name client as a FIRST-YEAR associate after being asked to leverage my own professional relationships. I’ve also received extraordinary ratings from another partner across every category they assessed.
Yet somehow, the message I’m getting feels like, “Thanks for bringing us this client, but you’re still absolute ass at your job.”
I know senior associates have spoken negatively about me behind my back, although they’re now perfectly pleasant to my face. And despite being personally recruited by a partner, I don’t feel like I’ve received the mentorship or guidance I expected.
What bothers me most is how much I’ve changed. I’ve always been outgoing, personable, creative, and a little whimsical. Those qualities have always been part of who I am, and I feel like this job has completely killed them. Ironically, now I’m being encouraged to bring those qualities back.
I barely speak up anymore because I’ve convinced myself that nothing I say adds value to the conversation. I second-guess everything. If I ask questions, I’m apparently not independent enough. If I don’t ask and make a mistake, I should have asked questions.
Sometimes I wonder whether I’m just better at the client-facing and business development side of being a lawyer. I love building relationships, connecting with clients, and thinking about the bigger picture. But the technical side has felt like a constant uphill battle.
I genuinely want to become a good lawyer. I just don’t know how to do that when I feel like I’ve lost my voice, my confidence, and so much of the person I was before joining this firm.
Has anyone else had a terrible first year and managed to turn things around? Is this normal growing pain, or is there a point where you realize the environment just isn’t right for you?
I’m exhausted, frustrated, and honestly don’t know what to do anymore.