Midlevel corp associate. I’m averaging 230 hours per month. I no longer go to the gym, eat dinner with my SO, watch tv/movies during the week, or even practice my religion. Today was Ash Wednesday and I couldn’t even take an hour off to go to a morning mass or evening mass. I have had to cancel trips, doctors appointments, you name it.
I work exclusively directly with partners because there are (and have never been, during my time at my firm) anyone several years above me. No one explains anything to me and I feel like this is contributing to a slightly slower rate of learning and feel behind. I get great reviews and people tell me that I just have imposter syndrome and am not behind, but I really don’t think so.
I get random zoom messages at 9, 10, 11, midnight asking substantive questions and requesting assignments at that hour. The partners work extremely hard, so it feels like I have to be part of this insane club.
Have taken off fewer than 4 days of vacation in several years here because every time I book a short vacation, there is some crazy closing. The deals are staffed so leanly (usually with 1 associate) that I would seriously be screwing people over if I left on vacation.
Sometimes my mom calls me at night to chat and I dismiss her because I have so much work and don’t even have 5 mins to spare without some partner messaging me about something. It makes me feel ashamed. I’ve been crying almost every day. I can’t take it anymore and don’t know what to do.